puck power

And now I'm all emotional

All it took was this thumb of Puck. I miss him so much. Everyday. It's been almost a year and still I think about him everyday. Something is wrong with me. One should not be hung up on an animal so much. But he was with me for 20 years. Yes...20 YEARS. I look at my cats now and I want to bond with them and every day I know I bond more and more but the bond I had with that little guy was beyond words.

Olive ~ she's like a dog in cat form. She greets me at the door, flops down and demands belly rubs. She adores sitting on my lap if only because usually the binary blanket is on it. Does not come when called, is defiant, and yet follows me around the house like a child.

Zula ~ is me in cat form. Is scared of everything and has a secret hiding place in Jason's closet in the luggage. Hyper and playful but only likes to be petted if under covers. Does not like attention. But sleeps at my feet almost every night.

I love them both and yet...I miss my Puck. It kills me I was unable to be with him in his final hours. It's grief combined with remorse or guilt maybe. In the end my decision was that moving him yet again would not be beneficial. My ex (M) gave him to his parents who live in this HUGE million dollar home on the mountain. He became a mouse cat who loved the outdoors. I could not take that away from him.

Feeling better now. Dinner is almost ready.
puck power

I am tipsy

Today I was talking to pugfantus on IRC and I said "I'm sorry I'm so very broken" and he replied "I think the correct comeback is: I think a "your mom's broken" is the appropriate response here..."

This made me laugh and smile and feel shame. Lately it's a thing with my therapist to point how much my mom's influence has shaped my panic/anxiety issues. She is not fond of my mother and says I should cut ties, but I've had this huge belief that my issues are not my son's....and therefore he should have a relationship with his grandparents/rest of my family.

She also dislikes M and thinks that I stick up for him too much. I see his point on so many things and put myself down as I assume he puts me down. Such is life. pugfantus is now making pasta and we're about to watch Elementary and that and the beer should calm my senses.
  • Current Mood
    nerdy nerdy
most recent me

Things and Stuff

We went for lunch and had to leave two places due to there being too many people there before we settled at a place across the street from where we live. My mood is so out of wack. I am suppose to go to DSHS and make a psych. evaluation appointment. I was going to do it Thursday but chickened out. I was suppose to wake up this morning and do it then...but the thought of taking the bus down there overwhelms me in a major way. I feel pathetic and stupid and other unworthy things. I just know they are going cut of the disability (I go through this every 6 months) this time. This will be two years I've been on temporary disability and it's suppose to be temporary. Bah thinking about this makes my heart go into my chest and I get all overwhelmed again. I need to go on Monday. pugfantus says he's drive me there if that's what I need. He's so good to me. I don't deserve him really but for some reason he finds me entertaining and I like who I am when I'm with him.
  • Current Mood
    distressed distressed
i'm old

Bbaaahhhhhhh

I cannot sleep. This use to happen allllll the time but it had been good. I want to wake my boyfriend up so bad and tell him to entertain to sleep but he works in the morning. He's said before to wake him up, but I'm not having anxiety attacks I'm just awake for some stoopid reason.

I meet a new doctor tomorrow. My general practitioner moved on a few months back and this is my first time with whoever they have put me with. I'm freaking out and it's stupid I know but I'm freaking out. My therapist was going to introduce me to this new doctor last time I had an appointment with her but I got a huge panic attack and had to actually go home and do the appointment by phone. So now I just have to meet this new doctor and hope I don't have a panic attack and can actually form words. Actual words without having trouble breathing and rocking back and forth.

And I've yet to sleep. I want to sleep but now it's only two hours before I need to wake up that's not going to do me any good.

So I sit here watching New Girl. On the last episode of season 2. It's amusing me.
go team venture - science

It's been so long since I've said this...and yet every time I think these words.

I'm bleeding down there....from the gash between my legs....

I am cranky and I yelled at Jason this morning. I immediately felt horrible and said sorry and that was uncalled for, but still. I am cranky because I am gaining weight. I knew this would happen. For reasons I don't want to get into. I've been awesome with my meds and am proud to say that I've been on my meds everyday (minus the small maybe once or twice missed) since November. And everyday with my insulin for almost two months now. This is huge. I find it hard to do much of anything most days even take my meds. It's like I've had a death wish or something and have just not cared. But I do care and I want to take them.

Today I am cranky and pissy and feel disgusting. At the same time I'm feeling social which is bizarre. I keep replying to posts on Reddit (which I NEVER do..I lurk...it's like listening on conversations that I don't need to talk with people) and on Facebook. Weird. It's rare I'm this social these days
i'm old

i can breathe.....so surreal

As if a weight as been lifted off my shoulders. Much more so than I would have anticipated giving my current stress factors. So now I get to see whether or not history will repeat or this is a move in the right direction.

I write in code using lots of words but don't say anything. This has been pointed out a number of times as people try to get to know me. It's hard getting to know me I'm broken and working on it. Just is what it is.

Progress was made (at least in my mind, on my end) in a relationship and that makes me smile. And while I'm now wanting to see if same thing happens that happened last time I felt all happy good about a conversation.....I'm not all glass half empty.

Last time I felt all progress made and really good about a conversation I was informed a few days later that on the other person's end it was very much not so and I was shut out/down and have been falling ever since.

I love my livejournal. I feel safe here, wanted, understood. Something rare for me.

And now I sleep